For my self portrait project, I decided to do something personal and uncomfortable. Triggering warning for mention of sexual assualt and rape. I wanted to do something big, drastic, and something that made me outside of my comfort zone. My project is a collection of photos showing a normal day of my life. The only difference is that there are red handprints on my body and words/sentences. The red handprints represent where I have been touched without my consent. The words represent mostly what I was thinking during that time and only 2 things people have said to me. I wanted it all to be me, because I was my worst enemy, and still am. Throughout the collections of photos you see me getting ready, putting on my clothes, walking my dog, walking with my boyfriend, eating with him at a restaurant, making out with him, and finally me in the process of taking off the words and putting words of my own. In the last few photos, there are blue words and blue handprints. The blue words are contradicting the black words that were on me before. The blue handprints represent me giving me consent.
For the process of the whole thing, I was terrified. I didn’t want to think back on what happened, how I felt, and what I was thinking. During this whole process, it took us two days to complete, not back to back. My boyfriend helped me write the words, put handprints, and take pictures. The first day, it took us the whole day. I kept blocking myself from thinking about where they touched me so it was really hard to think back and tell him the words I thought when it happened. I would need a break, he would need a break, especially since I was going more in depth about what happened. The second day was easier since I didn’t have to think about it at all, and my boyfriend just had to write the same words as before, but less than before. With the blue, I had to come up with things that contradicted the black words but it was really hard to think of positive phrases to myself.
The message I wanted to bring to everyone is that consent matters, don’t assume that a person wants to do it even though they didn’t say anything, it’s not your fault, and that it stains. A lot went through my head on what I wanted to show to the audience, just like how I did the sexual abuse selfie. However, it didn’t feel like it was me, and it made me feel really disappointed with that selfie. This collection is almost like a redemption for me, to show who I really am and how I really felt.
I presented it to the class in a form of pictures of a narrative on sexual abuse and rape. I presented each photo on the screen and explained what I was doing in each photo. I wanted each photo to be taken in and possibly some people could read the words on my body. Each photo was presented back and forth so people could have more time. I received a lot of positive feedback on my photos and how I portrayed it. I was worried that this wasn’t what people were looking for but I ended up proving myself wrong. Some of my classmates that commented said how they were in awe, how I was strong to show something so impactful, and loved the amount of time that I put in. Hearing my classmates say that about my work that I was unsure of made me feel so relieved. My aspiration is to make “uncomfortable” subjects more seen and talked about. There should be more things talked about in classes, groups, within friends and family to bring awareness. When talked about, we learn more things about the topic and things we could do about it. For my portfolio, it shows a different type of illustration showing a narrative. I want my portfolio to have illustrations to always have a deeper meaning within.
The artists that made similar works to art are Ana Mendieta, Cindy Sherman, Stephan Sagmeister, Ketty La Rocco. Ana Mendieta used her body as a medium and made us see how she was raped in her art. I expressed where the handprints were to give you an idea on where and possibly how I was sexually assaulted and raped. Cindy Sherman’s art meant sexual desire, criticism on media of woman, and domination, with photographs of herself looking up to someone past the camera. Stephan Sagmeister is a designer and asked his assistant to use the scalpel to cut his body to put in different designs on him. I decided not to harm myself with a scalpel and use markers, but it hurt just the same to put them on me. Ketty La Rocco was in an exhibition “The Body As Language: Women and Performance”, she would write over photographs of her hands positioned in gestures, to show her life as a woman. I thought this connected with me having words on my body as well. All of these artists are connected with this project together.
Resources: Trigger Warning on rape
https://www.artforum.com/print/201801/fully-loaded-power-and-sexual-violence-73188
https://www.moma.org/artists/5392
https://www.moma.org/collection/works/46055
